Monopoly Start

My heart has been grabbing onto things that aren't healthy for my soul. I have been playing "Monopoly" too many times, trying to take different avenues to escape the feelings that come along with my confusion about my dad. And yet once, again, I am right back at "Start", and I am realizing that the thing that has been missing, the thing my heart truly desires, is Jesus Christ. Yes, He has been prominent in my life, as He has been one of my priorities, however He has not been preeminent. I have not surrendered to Him and let him take care of me, as I have felt I needed to take care of everything on my own. And yet, I am in need of a father, and that is all He has wanted to be. I am taking on battles that are not my own, and I have been self destructing in the process. My father's last words to me were written, "Keep God close, as I did not". And it is so much easier said than done, but I am allowing him to refine me in the flames. As my struggles are so painful, I know it will be for a purpose. Because the truth is, God created everything. He created all things by the power of just his words alone. And in my anger, I sometimes shake my fists to God and ask him "Why? Why me? Why are you doing this to me?" and then I stray from Him, and then once again my life falls apart and it always comes back to this. I come back to Him, because He is my Hope, and I find Peace in knowing He is in charge of everything, and wants to carry my burdens, as I am weary and can no longer carry them. He will set me free.