Kayleigh is an avid Kasey Kahne fan!He is the one that saves ... on Twitpic

Kayleigh is an avid Kasey Kahne fan! He is the one that saves ... on Twitpic

Be Still

As much as I love to analyze stories and songs, sometimes my mind OVER analyzes situations. I sometimes make things more difficult than they have to be. I listen to these lyrics as if it is what God would say to me when I am in the midst of chaos and on the brink of giving up.

"Even our painful realizations of sinfulness are to mortify us into new life." ~Beth Moore

I have heard "What do I know of Holy" by Addison Road many times before and I can never sing it without crying. I read the lyrics today and it is amazing how the words have paralleled my faith.

"I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all"

The lyrics above burn in my mind a recent and very important, very intense conversation about God. The conversation was with someone I have loved, continue to love, and will always love.

The conversation was about God and Christians being hypocrites. Of me being a hypocrite. Of me being a sinner. And this was just a snapshot of all the opportunities I passed up by not living out my beliefs.

I have known WHAT I wanted my faith to look like. However, I didn't know HOW to surrender. Instead of surrendering, I medicated my fear with unholy things and thoughts. I couldn't handle my fears. Fear of not being loved. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of being abandoned. And the Holy Spirit as been at war with my flesh and with Satan for many years. Satan, who is the power of darkness and father of lies. I have been unholy.

I did not feel the weight of this truth about myself until yesterday and it has caused me unbearable pain. The unbearable pain of knowing I haven't always been a good witness. It has brought me down to my knees in shame.

The more I know Him, the more I surrender, the more I let go of my violent and self destructing fear, the more I am able to draw close to Him. I am able to draw close enough to see myself, and sometimes that is more than one would want to see. It takes courage. It takes courage to look at yourself. It takes courage to be helpless. Defenseless. When life has trained you to be the opposite. Defensive. Intimidating. But that isn't who I am meant to be.

So, what do I know of holy? What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?

"If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."
1 John 1:8-9

"For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God." 1 John 5:4-5

I know the truth. My unholiness has caused me to surrender and begin the holiness of God in me. God has already saved me. I have accepted His gift of salvation. I accept His mercy and grace. I will strive to be more like Him everyday because I believe. I believe Jesus died for my sins.

Jesus answered, " I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6

Please forgive me for not always shining His light through my actions and in my words. I am set free. I will shine this little light of mine. :)

Know although people make mistakes, God does not. He is infinite in wisdom and far above our understanding. Everything has, does, and will continue to work according to His plan.

The following is a great article on hypocrisy in the Church.

http://www.gotquestions.org/Christians-hypocrites.html

I did not have strength today. Tomorrow will be a new day. More on Hurricanes with Heather. :)

Heather's Hurricanes and Healing

Why? Why? Why?

Why? The one word I will never have all the answers to because some things will never be known here on this earth. And honestly, this frustrates me so much sometimes. I am frustrated not only when I suffer heartaches, but I am also deeply saddened when my beloved friends and family suffer.

Heather and Jeremy.

Heather and Jeremy are probably one of THE funniest, most down to earth couples, I have ever known. Heather is the heart. Jeremy is the solution. Jeremy is her rock. Heather is his number one fan. Jeremy is the "Heather, go and get the "No Dogs Allowed Sign out of their yard." Heather is the "Fine, since I adore you, I will do it." Jeremy is the "Hahaha, I am going to drive off while you are running with the sign in your hand" They are hilarious. They complement each other. They are considerate. They are love.

And they suffer. They suffer together. And like many people, they suffer from the effects of one hurricane after another. They keep coming. One. Then two. Then three. Then four. When is enough enough?

Heather texted me to tell me how, once again, our lives seem to be the same when it comes to trials and tribulations because when it rains it POURS. She told me she was hit by a hurricane while trying desperately to help both her and Jeremy's side of the family with heart wrenching difficulties.

I took the hurricane part literally, and flipped on the weather channel and started texting people in the area to make sure they were ok during the "hurricane", which Heather later politely corrected me in that the hurricane was metaphorically speaking. The hurricane only hit HER house. Being an English teacher, I should have picked up on THAT one. It really does describe her situation though. Heather's hurricane season.

Heather has disclosed to me many things that have happened to her during her childhood and into her adulthood. We really bonded in the similarities of our dysfunctional stories. Stories of people bringing evil into our innocent lives and tainting our child like faith. Satan, the father of lies, would try to rob us of our freedom in Christ. But as she grew older, she would grow to lean on her earthly fathers. However, even that would be taken from her.

In July 2009, Heather lost a man in her life that showed her love and compassion. He took her in and she became his daughter. This man was Jeremy's father. This past July, Heather then unexpectedly lost her own father, whom she loved dearly while she admired his love for his grandchildren. Her love for both of her fathers gave her the courage and the strength to speak at both of their funerals. And then at the same time, Jeremy and Heather both fought to keep their grandmothers healthy and alive.

Why? Why does this happen? Why so much at one time? Why do good things have to happen to such wonderful people? Why can't You just give them a break?

And then I wonder, why do they seem to experience the same heartaches at the same exact time? Will this somehow bring Jeremy and Heather closer in that they are suffering the same heartaches? I pray they will see how this will help each other in understanding the loss of their beloved fathers. Lean into each other. Lean into God.

And then even as I advise them to lean into God, I wonder how can we lean into You? How can I lean into You when I feel this could have been prevented from happening? Why would God allow bad things to happen to me? To Heather? To all who love You so much? Why would God create us only for us all to hurt and suffer? Because I am hurting. Heather is hurting. So many of us are hurting.

And as a parent, if I KNEW my beloved Kayleigh would be tragically hurt in any way, whom I would trade my comfort for her pain in a heartbeat, whom I would die for, would I even allow her to be brought into this world? Why would God allow me to be brought into this world?

I realize, I am a child of God. God is my father. And I seek his face for healing and answers. Why? Why would You allow us to be brought into this world to suffer so many heartaches? So many storms, one after another. What do you want from me?

And then a SPECIFIC REVELATION is gently and patiently revealed to me once again.

GOD IS LOVE. GOD IS GOOD.

God doesn't choose to love. God IS Love. God doesn't choose to be good. God IS good. Anything and anyone else that is void of love and goodness is void of God. And that is something we cannot control. We cannot control life. Life happens. And it happens to us all.

When life happens, and it always does, we want answers. And sometimes we will get the answers quickly and sometimes it will come to us slowly. And sometimes the answers are already there but we refuse to accept what God is telling us to be true. We sometimes refuse to believe the truth, even when it is staring us right in the face.

We cannot possibly know all of the answers at all times and that is where my FAITH must fill in the gaps. Be patient with me as I have been on both sides of the "faith" answer. I have heard it many times too and I still think sometimes....FAITH!? How can I possibly have faith at a time like THIS? I want answers!

First of all,what EXACTLY is faith?

Faith is the "confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing" and does "not rest on logical proof or material evidence."

Which is ironic because my faith is based on answers that are logical to me because of material evidence of the TRUTH. However, the truth cannot always be revealed to us right when we want it. Sometimes we are not ready.

Just as Kayleigh is not mature enough to know EVERYTHING, I must shield her from things she is not ready to HEAR or SEE. It is the same for us, as children of God, we must be still and wait for HIS timing. And that for me, is the MOST difficult part of faith. I want it NOW, NOW, NOW!

And just because I want it NOW and don't get it NOW, doesn't make the TRUTH invalid.

NOW isn't always God's best. And the truth is, like Heather and Jeremy and myself, we will have to go through life's obstacles and wonder why. But we have each other to guide us through the hurricanes. And after a hurricane is always a rainbow. A rainbow to prove God's promise to us all. The promise to never forsake us. And I have FAITH in this TRUTH.

My FAITH may waiver as I am flawed. But as I grow to become closer to God, my faith becomes stronger. And my faith stems from my belief and knowledge that God speaks to me. He speaks to me through His Word, through what people say, or maybe in a song, or in my mind. I know in my heart, and I BELIEVE God has the perfect plan for our lives.

We have to have faith and surrender OUR plans and have FAITH in God's plan, which is what is BEST. I will have to remember that when we make our own choices to follow our own plans without seeking God, we create our own hurricanes. And thus, we all create hard life lessons sometimes, which is not because of God, but because of our lack of obedience.

But sometimes our lives are caught in a hurricane because our focus needs to be on God. He wants to make us grow and become the man or woman He knows we can be. He knows what is in our hearts. And He is the only one to know our truth.

And even for people that do not believe, He will try to gain their attention, but sometimes people harden their hearts and no longer hear what God is trying to say.

And sometimes what God is trying to say may take place in a hurricane. And then another hurricane. And then another. However, all good and bad things will serve the purpose of God.

So in effect, our circumstances do not determine whether God IS Love or whether God IS good. This truth will never change. God will never change. But our circumstances will always change. And sometimes it will change in a storm. When we can praise God, even during our hurricanes, the enemy is defeated. The enemy is defeated by Heather. By others. By me.

AND as for me, and as a child of God, I say, let it rain. I will see the light. I will enjoy the rainbow.

Answers To Your Questions

Please. Please. Please. Go to this site. Absolutely amazing! Thank you Dr. A for suggesting it!

http://www.gotquestions.org/

Death To Self and Living In Christ

"Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? We were therefor buried with Him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life." Romans 6:3-4.

The action of being immersed in the water illustrated dying and being buried with Christ. The action of coming out of the water pictures Christ's resurrection.

I was baptized when I was five, however I feel now, being 29, I fully understand the principles I am striving to live by, and the daily commitment it will take to grow and become more like Christ.

I am passionate about many things. And sometimes too passionate and I need to simmer down. However, the one flame I can never let burn out, is the passion to witness the love of God.

Of course, I am learning how to speak the truth through kind words and patience. There needs to be a balance.

But I will be bold. Everything I do and say is my witness. And I begin by sharing with the world my new life in Christ.

I love to analyze songs and find different meanings and different perspectives.

I was listening to this song as I was driving back with my Momma tonight, as we were both really in uncomfortable pain. Mine being from my surgery, in which I truly feel as though I have been in a car wreck, and my Momma, well let's just say her tummy was hurting really bad. So this song was fitting because of all that we are going through, but it's gonna be alright!!

Matt Maher explains his prayers and thoughts behind "Hold Us Together". He came up with the idea of his song when he was on a flight to Nashville. People started talking about how they were nervous about the economy, fearful of losing their homes and all they had worked for all these years. And he thought to himself, "How can the Church respond to those people and what does the Church say when when one is at the end of their rope and how does the Church present the love of God?"

We all desperately need the love of God. However, people place value and worth on tangible things. Material things. External things. Money. House. Car. Job. Yet, what determines the worth of God is the Church. There is value and tangible evidence of God's love when the Church is LIVING OUT the love of God by showing how it has been saved BY the love of God. The Church extends this mercy and love by being a "brother's keeper" to the broken, to the poor, to the weary, to the lost. Because Love is what "holds us together". Things do not. Things will fade. Things will disappear. Love? Love will remain.

My Best Teaching Method: Model The Lesson

The following is a journal entry of one of my days of prayer.

Praise.

Thank you Lord for another day. Thank your for my added Leadership class. Thank you for the beautiful clouds on the way to Sonja's house. Time with her. Fellowship with You. My Baptism!! Kayleigh Lynn!

Repent.

Please forgive me for thinking judgmental thoughts.

"And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not percieve the plank in your own eye." Luke6:41

Look with spiritual eyes and the glory that is to be revealed in a person. Pray they will be saved. Remember, He is not finished with me yet either. Intercede for others. I will grow to feel compassion and concern for them. List good things about other people. I will trust You with things unseen. I leave it to You. Remember, according to Romans 12:5 and 1 Corinthians 12:7, we are all given different gifts and complement each other. Find the ways in which a person complements me.

Please forgive me for my unkind tone when speaking to others.

"Be wise in the way you act with people who are not believers, making the most of every opportunity. When you talk, you should always be kind and pleasant so you will be able to answer to everyone in the way you should." Colossians 4:5-6

Be an example to believers and unbelievers with my words, actions, faith, and pure life. When unbelievers see the love of Jesus living and shining through me, they will not have to be convinced to believe. They will see the Light.

Ask.

Provide guidance for my best friend and my family. Please provide guidance for the women at the conference. I pray You will stir emotions in the ones who do not believe. Let them look up. God, please help me to stay strong emotionally and physically. Help me feel loved. I no longer want to feel rejected. I no longer want to worry about what I could have done or what I should have said in my life. Please take the guilt of not being good enough.

"God will strengthen you with His own great power so that you will not give up when trouble comes, but you will be patient." Colossians 1:11

"Give worries to the Lord and He will take care of you. He will NEVER let good people down." Psalm 55:22

"Even when you are old, I will be the SAME. Even when your hair has turned gray, I will take care of you. I made YOU and I will take care of you. I will CARRY you and SAVE you." Isaiah 46:4

Yield.

Utilize last name, Holmes, in all aspects of my life. Take advantage of time being single. Give up ELA conference period to teach another Leadership class. Use spiritual gift of singing. Audition!

FYI.

I look up Scriptures based on the TOPIC I am concerned about. Also, gotquestions.org is a great resource for questions you may have about Christianity. I enjoy reading this site because it is based on Scripture. The Word. God's Living Word.

And that's my take, and that's a wrap!

Four Letter Word....PRAY

Praying has always intimidated me. Especially in front of others. How do they know how to speak so eloquently and how do they know what to say?

I am learning that the more I know God, and the more I utilize the Holy Spirit that is indwelling in me, the words will come to me when I am praying for others, and in front of others. I am allowing myself to be uncomfortable so praying will become more comfortable for me.

As for my personal time and prayers, depending on my mood, and lately there have been many in one day, I just simply talk to God. And to be quite honest, I will not disclose EVERYTHING I have said because it hasn't always been pretty. Once again, I will thank God for mercy and grace.

What I will disclose is some things I learned about praying through reading, conferences, or other Christian women. And that is the acronym for PRAY.

Praise. Repent. Ask. Yield.

Praise. Before saying anything, we should thank God for what He has given us. From the beautiful sky on the way to Church, to what He is doing in our lives, we should express gratitude. Give Him thanks.

Repent. First, ask God to forgive us for our sins. And we can't just say, "Please God forgive me for thinking that woman is completely wretched and a waste of space." We need to get out of that habit. So then, we need to find Scriptures that speak to us about the sin we are committing and why it contradicts with what God wants us to do. And remember our behaviors are a reflection of our thoughts. And then lastly, forgive yourself and allow yourself to move on.

Ask. After we have given thanks to God and have repented of our sins, we can then intercede for others and for their needs. Ask God for the desires of your heart.

Yield. Listen to God and do what He tells us to do. Obey. Expect God to give guidance as we would expect a loving parent to guide us. God wants to give us the healthy directions and food for our soul. We have to be willing to listen and do what He says.

Enjoy purposeful prayers!

God Is Love Even in Our Pain

Many people do not understand how pain can affect someone in all aspects of one's life.

According to Mayo Clinic, "recurring pain can lead to depression, irritability, anger, or a feeling of helplessness."  Many people are suffering today.  And today, right now, they need Love.

I didn't understand the affects of recurring pain until my "endometriosis" took control over me and my body, while I began to deal with chronic pain in my lower left abdomen and left lower back. As the months went by, my pain increased in severity and frequency. Many times I would have to leave in the middle of my class and lie down in the nurses office or just go home. Being a single mom, this proved to be even more daunting in that it made house cleaning, traveling, or simply going out to the park for an hour very difficult. And let's just say my patience level was like the funny quote in my classroom which states, "My patience is hanging by a...whooopsie...there it goes.." :)

I had two CT Scans a couple of years ago to only find that I had eight kidney stones. So, I thought this was the problem, but the pain was persistent and would come and go. Endometriosis was suspected but wasn't taken too seriously by the doctors, as endometriosis can only truly be diagnosed by what I am doing tomorrow. For more information on endometriosis you can click on the following link.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/endometriosis/DS00289

In the last month, after consulting four different doctors, one trip to the ER, CT scan, X-ray with an IV, and a sonogram, five different medications, five pounds less in two weeks (which I didn't mind THAT problem, though my nurse wasn't too happy), I am finally having surgery tomorrow. I had wanted this surgery all along, but they needed me to eliminate all other possibilities first. Probably for insurance purposes.

~Updated
My advice to others, and a reminder to myself, is we need to be patient with our loved ones when they are going through pain. And not just with our loved ones, but with strangers, in that we have NO idea what they are going through. Because while I had to visit numerous doctors and attend work related staff development workshops, I also had to move out of my house due to flooding, and adding salt to wounds, a very significant person in my life rejected his need for me in his life.  So, when we get frustrated with someone, we need to remember the possibility of unseen trials and tribulations that might be consuming them.

I cannot begin to tell you how this experience debilitated me physically.  I tried to take care of others, but I didn't take care of myself.  I hold a lot of hearts and minds in the palm of my hand, in that people look up to me and watch how I handle stress, so I must keep God close to me during these difficult times, so I can practice what I preach. We MUST take care of ourselves so that we can take care of others.

Now of course the MESS became my MESSAGE. Thankfully, my pain eventually went away and my health is normal.  Because of moving, I was able to spend more time with my beloved family.  And rejection was God's protection.  I learned the hard way the importance of taking care of myself, but I am blessed because I am physically and spiritually stronger, which is EXACTLY what God wants for me.  For you.  For us to experience spiritual growth during blessings and trials. I am becoming physically stronger by eating healthier and training for triathlons, which eliminates stress in my mind and in my body.  And spiritually, I am reminded of the need to be patient with others.  I can only maintain patience through love and the love of Jesus.

So, I guess all I am asking is for is you to love me. Love others. Because God is Love. And He loves you.

The Power of Love Moves Us

I’ve been a walking heartache. I’ve made a mess of me. The person that I’ve been lately, ain’t who I wanna be. But you stay here right beside me. Watch as the storm goes through. And I need you.

God gave me you for the ups and downs. God gave me you for the days of doubt. For when I think I’ve lost my way. There are no words here left to say, it’s true. God gave me you.

There’s more here than what were seeing. A divine conspiracy. That you, an angel lovely could somehow fall for me. You’ll always be love’s great martyr. Ill be the flattered fool and I need you.

God gave me you for the ups and downs. God gave me you for the days of doubt. For when I think I’ve lost my way. There are no words here left to say, it’s true. God gave me you.

On my own I’m only Half of what I could be. I can’t do without you. We are stitched together and what love has tethered I pray we never undo.

God gave me you for the ups and downs. God gave me you for the days of doubt. God gave me you for the ups and downs. God gave me you for the days of doubt. For when I think I’ve lost my way. There are no words here left to say, it’s true. God gave me you, gave me you. Gave me you.

I love this song because the lyrics demonstrate the power of love between, not just a husband and wife, but between family and friends.

Our Guide

When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.~John 16:13

Watching the signal lights while I am driving reminds me of the signals God gives us. If I do not follow the signals while I am driving, I can really put myself in unnecessary situations. I have been caught running a red light and it is NOT fun when you get that pretty little photo of your license plate in the mail and a $100 fine. Or, when I do not yield to other drivers or cars, which was such the case in a few accidents I encountered because I was in a rush. Or, when the light was obviously green, and I wasn't paying attention, which has made drivers mad. So, it is obvious that I need to sign up for drivers ed, that is a given. But I can also relate my driving to the signals God gives me. And if I am not paying attention, very closely, and I mean CLOSE, I will not hear the Holy Spirit, and I will miss what God has planned for me.

So, as for AMTC, it was one of those situations where I received a signal.

Kayleigh and I both did get a callback the very next morning from an agent. He told me enthusiastically, that we both scored high in modeling, commercial print and TV, and I scored high in a third category, singing. Of course, this would come at a price where we would have to pay to go through their school, which would prepare us for seeing all of the agents that would be at the convention. Which, I understand the logic behind the school because if Kayleigh and I were to go in front of different agencies, we would not be prepared. However, initially, AMTC was not advertised as a school. If AMTC were advertised as a school on the radio, they probably wouldn't have received the initial turnout that they did. And, I really wonder how many people were called back.

For me personally, this was a red signal. Which is a NO from God. And unfortunately many times I have ignored the red signals and have suffered tremendously for going through them. I have also suffered from not YIELDING to God, and waiting on his timing, because I rush things sometimes, wanting it now, now, now. And then I have suffered from not paying attention to the GO signal, in which I have seen many opportunities pass me by.

God knows our heart and knows what is best for us. He has a perfect plan for our lives. It is important to know the Holy Spirit intimately so we can hear him and see the signals as they come. I am ready to STOP, YIELD, and GO whenever God tells me!

What is your opinion? Do you consider this a scam? Read on to see if we got a callback!!

Yesterday Kayleigh and I, along with my Momma, went to the Hyatt in Dallas to audition Kayleigh for commercials or modeling.

We did not have ANY expectations, as we went to have fun, and to see what they would say, or how far she could really go. We were aware that the audition may not have been a "scam", but they would probably try to sell us something. We heard about Actors, Models, and Talent for Christ (AMTC) through 94.9 KLTY. They advertised AMTC auditions, which you had to register online in order to get into the audition.

When we arrived at the hotel, registration was set up and they took a picture of Kayleigh I had blown up, and they raved about her looks, eyes, and personality. AMTC has a pleasant staff that was ready to answer any questions and make you feel at ease.

When we first got to the audition, we were given a speech by Carey Lewis Arban, and were shown videos of success stories of AMTC graduates. Recent graduates were also present to tell us about how fabulous their time at AMTC was, while not everyone received a callback, some did, while one was able to get on "Brothers and Sisters". So, I decided to audition my voice. Yes, I can sing. :) Overall the speech was persuasive and seemed genuine. Why wouldn't it be genuine? Isn't this a company that strives and thrives on Biblical principles? After all their motto is "Pursue the Dream God Provides". Hmmm...well this is where we realize, this isn't an agency, it is a modeling/acting/talent SCHOOL. And the cost.......$3,995.

So, we decided to go ahead and audition. Why not? We drove all the way out here. Maybe "God is opening doors" as Ms. Carey Arban seems to truly believe. We also got to cut in line because of Kayleigh's age. She auditions by reading a script, which she only practiced three times and of course she aced it. You all know her facial expressions. Due to the inability to bring cameras or videos in the audition, I will post a replica of what she did. She also had to walk on a small stage and she walked it for sure!! The coach who auditioned her exclaimed that she was precious. It made my week!! I will video her doing the same walk at a later blog.

It was then my turn for auditioning my voice. I wait in line, even though I could have cut because of Kayleigh, because I really wanted to talk to other people auditioning, staff members, and current AMTC graduates. Out of the three graduates I talked to, no one got a callback.

And one girl was thinking of spending more money to go again. And with tears in her eyes she was almost trying to convince herself that it would be a good thing. She admits she had an amazing time, which I am sure it was, however you could tell she was wrestling with her dream due to finances. She did, however, get a scholarship to New York, but she can't go just yet. So, the teacher in me, goes into education mode, in which I softly, yes softly, remind her that she might want to go to school while she is waiting for her callbacks.

Some of the staff members mistakenly thought I was auditioning for modeling or acting, which I just smiled and said thank you. One staff member said she had to go through the AMTC school and convention, which remember, cost $3,995, to even be able to WORK for the company. She says she has been asked to model. She has been on a TV show, however she did not get paid for it. She confidently states that Kayleigh will definitely get a callback from AMTC to be enrolled int the school, and I should talk to Ms. Carey Arban about payment arrangements.

So I audition and tell Ms. Carey Arban about my job as a teacher, my love for my daughter, and I eventually sing, "When I look at you" by Miley Cyrus. Yes, by Miley. It is a song that reminds me of Kayleigh and we sing it together, so there! She tells me to walk because she wants to see my posture. She asks me to read a script. Whooopsie. I hadn't memorized one so I read it as if I were reading it to my class. She says I have good bone structure and she can tell I take care of myself, so I am the full package. I was a bit overwhelmed as I just wanted to see if I could get through an audition. Now, keep in mind, if you know me, I am assertive in wanting to KNOW the truth and in TELLING the truth. She tells me I had a STRONG audition! Well that's great but what does that mean?

Well for Kayleigh and I both, we were given a brochure of what would be included in the "AMTC Package" and IF and only IF we were given a callback the next day, we would then REGISTER with a $500 deposit EACH to save a spot for the AMTC convention and training. I politely tell Ms. Carey Arban that I will not have the money by tomorrow and really don't want to waste any one's time. Period. And the other woman in the room reminds me things will happen in God's timing and then gently sends us on our way...

So last night, I wrestled with this dilemma. As I really believe God opens doors and opportunities, I also believe we have to be practical about it. I researched AMTC and they have an A+ report through BBB, however, how can they not? They don't promise you anything. If you make it to an agency and get signed, it is a "God incident", and if you don't, it is not in HIS timing. How can you really argue with that?

Now on a personal note. I really do believe God wants me to sing and He has told me so. I believe He as a plan for my life right now that I cannot even fathom. I also believe each and every one of us possess talents that God wants us to use, not only to glorify Him, but also to reach others through our talents. And unfortunately I have been ignoring that part of my life out of fear or, distractions.

Lately, I have been scuffling with faith and sometimes it hasn't been very pretty when I am in physical or mental anguish, and I am ashamed to mention the anger I have had towards God for EVERYTHING coming down on me at once. Lately, I have needed more signs then normal as I am immature in my faith sometimes and need more proof. And though I don't deserve it AT ALL, he shows me through people, articles, Scripture, daily devotional emails, or my Beth Moore Jesus Log.

DON'T LOSE ME HERE. This is an example of my proof. So last night, I talked with someone in the modeling industry and she gave me great advice. Momma gave me an article with the theme, "Having faith during trials and tribulations is more influential then having faith when all is going well. It is easy to talk about faith when all is well but it is perseverance when all is conflicted." My daily Jesus Log, day 12, asks the following questions, "When was the last time you received an answer from the Lord that seemed this FAR above your ability to understand it? What do you do with answers from His Word that either seem not to make sense or seem impossible to emulate? Then my prayer log reminds me to "not be allured by the light of any other false attraction"....My Christian Women daily email this morning was about Gideon needing proof from God in battle and the main point was, "God picks people to lead who can't see why they were picked at the start." And finally, Church today was about building our character by reinventing our legacy by seeking God, reading Scripture, and surrounding ourselves with godly people.

So, ummmm, do you think God is trying to tell me something? Do you think He could really be talking to me? I would think so. No. I know so.