"Even our painful realizations of sinfulness are to mortify us into new life." ~Beth Moore

I have heard "What do I know of Holy" by Addison Road many times before and I can never sing it without crying. I read the lyrics today and it is amazing how the words have paralleled my faith.

"I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all"

The lyrics above burn in my mind a recent and very important, very intense conversation about God. The conversation was with someone I have loved, continue to love, and will always love.

The conversation was about God and Christians being hypocrites. Of me being a hypocrite. Of me being a sinner. And this was just a snapshot of all the opportunities I passed up by not living out my beliefs.

I have known WHAT I wanted my faith to look like. However, I didn't know HOW to surrender. Instead of surrendering, I medicated my fear with unholy things and thoughts. I couldn't handle my fears. Fear of not being loved. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of being abandoned. And the Holy Spirit as been at war with my flesh and with Satan for many years. Satan, who is the power of darkness and father of lies. I have been unholy.

I did not feel the weight of this truth about myself until yesterday and it has caused me unbearable pain. The unbearable pain of knowing I haven't always been a good witness. It has brought me down to my knees in shame.

The more I know Him, the more I surrender, the more I let go of my violent and self destructing fear, the more I am able to draw close to Him. I am able to draw close enough to see myself, and sometimes that is more than one would want to see. It takes courage. It takes courage to look at yourself. It takes courage to be helpless. Defenseless. When life has trained you to be the opposite. Defensive. Intimidating. But that isn't who I am meant to be.

So, what do I know of holy? What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?

"If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."
1 John 1:8-9

"For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God." 1 John 5:4-5

I know the truth. My unholiness has caused me to surrender and begin the holiness of God in me. God has already saved me. I have accepted His gift of salvation. I accept His mercy and grace. I will strive to be more like Him everyday because I believe. I believe Jesus died for my sins.

Jesus answered, " I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6

Please forgive me for not always shining His light through my actions and in my words. I am set free. I will shine this little light of mine. :)

Know although people make mistakes, God does not. He is infinite in wisdom and far above our understanding. Everything has, does, and will continue to work according to His plan.

The following is a great article on hypocrisy in the Church.

http://www.gotquestions.org/Christians-hypocrites.html